On my way to Liberia! So many thoughts and feelings. Feelings of excitement to finally meet Elijah and Ruth, and even feelings of fear. Will they like me? Will I meet their expectations? Will they learn to love me? And then those questions turn into "what-ifs". What if they don't like me? What if I don't meet their expectations? What if they won't love me?.... all boils down to - FEAR. Oh, how Satan would love to capture me there. I'm reminded of God's most frequent command over and over again as I travel on - "Do not be afraid". I rest in the knowing that God is with me and has already gone before me, so truthfully I have no reason to fear.
Why is God sending me? I continue to see the answer to that question. I need to know so I don't miss what I am suppose to do. I still haven't a clue.
We have had our first battle - that in Brussels airport and all because of luggage. It was enough to scare me and tell God "oh, you have the wrong person. I can't do this". And then turn around and go back home. I believe we were hassled because 1. we are Americans and 2. Satan wants us to start off discouraged. But the truth of it all is I can't do what He is calling me to do, but He can. I want so very much to be in His will. I think I am here for our agency's director, but I still am afraid that I won't clearly hear or see what God truly wants me to do or say or worse...perhaps I will hear or see what God wants me to do and I just won't do it because of fear.
Oh, God give me strength and boldness to stand where you want me. I know through You all things are possible. Rise up within me. I love you. Thank you for working in me now and growing me once again. You have prepared me for such a time as this.
I confess I have believed and continue to be captured in the fear of not being good enough. Because of it I have put God in a box and have assumed that God has been disappointed and ashamed of me and how God would like to have someone else other than me. These are my "old man thoughts", thoughts I am pushing away and trying to break free of. The truth is God loves me and showers His love upon me all the time. I have had the privilege to experience His heart for me and I thank Him for that experience. His love for me gives me the confidence I need.
Father God, this trip is You reaching your scepter out to me, and I am reaching out, touching it and accepting your grace and love You have for me and ready to be used by you. Give me the wisdom, discernment, boldness and gentleness needed to do what you want of me. Let my ears and heart be open. Let my eyes be open too. Above all, let me trust you each step of the way. I am excited to get to personally see You at work in Liberia and for you to move mountains.
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